I seem to be stuck.

The funny thing about depression is the infinite forms it takes. It’s masterful and sneaky. Just because I’m not where I was, and am doing better than ever, doesn’t mean It didn’t evolve, adapt.  When you’ve been suicidal, the tendency is to use that as the bar. Well, I don’t want to kill myself, I must not be depressed!

Wrong. So many levels of wrong, in fact, I just don’t have the energy to unpack it all. I, like so many who have been down this road, lean toward black & white thinking. Prime example: not being suicidal = not being depressed. But life is more nuanced than that, and so is the psyche.

Photo by Ian on Unsplash

Anyhoo, because of that illogical, nonsensical equation, I ignored some basic facts: I’ve not been particularly keen on getting out of bed this week, I’ve had to make myself exercise, I just want to eat, I am restless as fuck… Individually, those are just nuisances, but together they’re symptoms of a psychic black hole. One that I’ve chosen to diminish. This not being my first rodeo, you would think I would have clued in a bit sooner. But it just doesn’t work that way.

What clued me was being stuck. I’ve been working on the same scene for a week now. And while I can’t say that I have “writer’s block”, I can say that crafting the scene is taking more mental energy than I seem to possess right now.

In Hell, Lucifer comes across decaying cars & unidentifiable machinery. How is the scene playing out? Am I just describing the landscape, is there conversation — what are the elements of this scene? Beats the Hell (hehe) out of me. All the little things that go into crafting a scene, all of the minute decisions seem impossible. In crafting this one scene, I’m faced with insurmountable obstacles, where there should be none.

Rationally, none of this is impossible (nor insurmountable), of course. But my brain isn’t buying it.

So what’s to do? First off, take care of my body. The fact that I can continue to do this is a sure sign that I’m gonna be ok. This means eating food that nourishes and protects (junk food will only make it worse), exercising (endorphins are my biggest ally right now), and sleeping as much as my body wants (not judging).

Emotionally it means doing a lot of EFT, and steering my brain away from the endless negativity that’s floating around in the news and social media.  Looking forward to blowing shit up in Diablo! Garden Gnomes will probably get a make-over and new additions during this period as well.

What I will NOT do, is beat myself up for not writing. Or for whatever my brain currently thinks is my GREATEST CRIME. Seasons come, seasons go. This too shall pass.

I will leave you with a recommendation of one of my favorite movies – Sunset Boulevard. if you haven’t seen it, it’s a real treat. Gloria Swanson is perfectly cast as the tragic, faded Hollywood star, Nora Desmond. I think she brings a subtle authenticity to the role, having been a silent movie star herself, and while not quite passed over when talkies came into existence, she watched the industry change and leave behind so many people she knew and worked with. I love her over-the-top performance of a Hollywood Grand Dame living in the past. This movie will always be one of my all time favorites. It’s on Netflix, check it out if you haven’t seen it, or revisit an old friend if you have.